My blog started out as a writing outlet for me. You can see in my earliest posts I wrote alot more than I do now. This blog has evolved into just random thoughts and pictures and feelings.
I think it's time. I think it's time for me to continue (almost wrote finish) writing. The hope of this blog is that there is no ending. No ending wouldn't make sense now would it? Unless you are David Chase of course.
Sometimes I feel like the luckiest person on the planet. I have met sooo many amazing, wonderful people throughout the years - from - my career, living in Winter Park for 25 years, going to 4 high schools, 2 colleges, raising my step-kids, having a big beautiful loving family, from the men I have loved...and the very special one I have in my life now.
How lucky am I? I have worked in NYC, San Francisco, London, Germany all while having a home in Central Florida. I have been to the top of the Andes and to the bottom of the Amazon basin..... I haven't seen the Eiffel tower....Ce la vie.
Why am I so blue?? Because. Just Because. I feel like I had my chance at life....did a pretty decent job...but it feels empty somehow. Not myself anymore. I told my husband I felt "Alone with my memories".
Am I reminiscing too much? Is this what happens when you can't grasp hold of the future?
I know, I know, a "positive attitude" is everything. Believe me, I have had a life time of always being positive....ask anyone who knows me well.
2 years of dealing with advanced cancer to the bones, the lungs the brain....you know?...I'm a little beat....My negative cells are eatin' up my positive cells.
I have so much to say...I don't know if I should unload in just one post. Maybe too much to bear.
I am looking for a reason to wake up.
My husband, my love, my rock, my arms and legs, my driver, my grocer, my cook, my brain...you are my reason.
I have been protective of my friends and family....I sometimes hide the way I feel. I Can't do that anymore. From now on..it ALL will all hang out. I can't post only when I am feeling good....I need to vent, to complain, to yada, yada, yada.
I just hope I can do it with a modicum of grace.
So it goes
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8 comments:
Nancy... your honesty in whatever you share is how you allow others to "enter in" to your heart. I read what you write, and I am inspired, regardless of the content of what is shared... I am inspired just because of how you live with an endurance and grace that many of us have never had to harness.
Please continue to share what your heart feels... remove your edit button, delete your censor button, and share what you feel compelled to... every word you speak is a legacy that gets deposited into the hearts of your readers... whether they are close family, friends, fellow dragonfly watchers, or others like myself who are on the sidelines but yell your name in cheering and prayers.
You don't know me, but I join in your struggles, and I rejoice in your victories. I'm a specator, all because your life inspires me to pull from a place within to be better, to live more fully, and to breathe more deeply all that this life has to offer.
hugs!
Dear anonymous...I just read your post to my husband and I couldn't finish because of the tears in my eyes, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
no truly Nancy... thank you! You don't even understand how witnessing your journey, you have compelled me to see more largely... to take off the blinders of the peripheral vision, and to join in to the lives of those around me with more authenticity and sensitivity.
There is no way to describe it... but it is what it is. Your words, your experiences, your fight, your triumph, they have a meaning that is just beyond anything I have a vocabulary to describe their effect to the center of my heart.... and I KNOW that if I feel like that, as a reader... I can only imagine how your family, friends, and support feel as you transform them as you live your life before them. No doubt they are deeply impacted and wealthier because of it.
Truly Nancy! Thank you. Sending you a swarm of dragonflies dancing in your direction today... may you see them literally, and figuratively abouding all around you.
Nancy, you are true to yourself on the inside and I am so glad to see that you have decided to be true to yourself on the outside. It is so considerate of you to be thinking of others, but as I wrote once before it is time now to really think about yourself and what you need. Doing that is not selfish it is freeing. You are one of the most amazing people I have met and I hope so much that something miraculous happens and that I am still able to come to Winter Park and visit you when you are 90. I want you here as do so many people even without disease there is not enough time.
I told you before that you are a person that people can have 1 interaction with and you make such an imprint on their life that you will be remembered FOREVER!
Sadness, anger, depression, fear... all things that are perfectly ok to feel, but I hope that they don't get the hold on you that they do on me.
No one lives forever, but your heart, your love, your inspiration, your words, your beauty both inner and outer will be forever. How lucky I am to know you- yeah me!
We don't know what life has instore for us, but damnit why does it have to throw this at you? I suppose me asking why is pointless- I am glad that you know why you are hear.
I joing you in so many of your emotions, but for much more selfish reasons. I want those that I love around me forever and I mean physically around me. I am pissed off that you have to deal with this.
There is no need to be little miss positive all of the time, but Nancy, let me tell you that there is no way that you have more negative cells than positive cells. The negative may be winning the current battle, but the positive will win the war.
You are an inspiration! The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful you let us all see it. I could keep going, however I feel as though I am getting into rambling mode.
If anyone is stronger than cancer it is you Nancy!
You go ahead and express whatever you need and want to.
Just don't forget that "The color is Purple!"
I love you!
Oprah? Is that you? ;)
hey Nancy!!! It's your sister in law Juj!! i know i haven't talked to you in a while but i just want you to know that i look at your blog daily and i am thinking of you always!! I miss you and Jeff very much and wish that i could see you more often. until then, stay strong, laugh often and love much!!!
love you!
Juj
JUJU!! Hey you! So good to hear from you!!
What don't you plan a visit? We miss you!
Here's hoping there's no end to your blog, Nancy. You inspire, truly you do. Write whatever you need to, and know that we're all here reading and thinking of you...
Dawn
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